Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Tim McGraw Stops Domestic Violence Live in Concert

Back in 2011, Tim McGraw stopped a concert, walked onto the catwalk of his stage, and pointed out a man who was hitting the woman next to him. “You don’t treat women like that!” McGraw shouted into the microphone while pointing to the person he was addressing. Eventually, the victim is brought onto stage, the perpetrator is removed from the concert, and we are given a great example for men on what we can do to intervene when we see domestic or dating violence happening in front of us. (Related: Tim McGraw Kicks Fan Out of Concert.)




So, what can men do to stop domestic violence?


For years, I have taught students how to apply Dr. Michele Borba's Bully B.U.S.T.E.R. method as a positive bystander process to stop bullying situations. When we understand that both bullying and domestic/dating violence are relationships built on the exercise of power and control over others, it makes sense that the B.U.S.T.E.R. action steps can also be applied in dating/domestic violence situations. That’s exactly what I saw happen in the Tim McGraw concert video!




B.U.S.T.E.R. Action Steps


McGraw first Befriended the victim by making it clear that he was on the side of the woman who was being roughed up. He has her come onto the stage where security personnel stand alongside her. McGraw clearly points out the person who was in the wrong. Other ways that we can draw this line is by simply standing next to the person who is being harassed. There is no "staying out of it" once we've witnessed abuse. There is only choosing a side. Inaction actually sends a message to the abuser that the abuse is okay.


Use a Distraction - A distraction can be using humor, pointing out or drawing our attention to something positive which lets the abuser know in a discreet way that people have noticed, or in McGraw's case be the distraction yourself. McGraw uses his concert, stage, and celebrity to draw his audience's attention to the situation. With the spotlight on the abuser, it becomes very difficult for him to continue the abuse. Shine light into darkness.


Speak Up/Stand Up - The moment McGraw saw the situation happen he didn't hesitate to use his stage, presence, and microphone to speak up for the victim.


Tell Someone, Get Help - SECURITY! Two security personnel backup McGraw from the stage making it even clearer where the line is drawn. McGraw then calls for additional security to escort the abuser out of the concert.


There is a huge difference between telling and tattling. Tattling is what people do to get others into trouble. Tattling is manipulative. Telling is what people do to get others out of trouble. Telling is about helping people for safety and justice. That’s a huge difference we all need to understand, and teach to our future generations.


Exit with Friend or Alone - The victim is asked to come onto stage and is escorted away by staff and security towards safety and away from the abuser. She seems grateful with tears in her eyes, but that may be me reading into the situation at that point.


Redirect - “You don’t treat women like that!” McGraw takes a moment to share a moral standard with the person in the audience by pointing out the abusive behavior as wrong. This is probably the one area where we need to train ourselves and be mindful of what we are saying.


Good phrases and actions to use:
  • “No one deserves to be treated that way.”
  • “You are better than that. Please act that way.”
  • Redirect responsibility of actions where they belong. “Your behavior is scaring ME and MY family. I need you to stop.” Abusers feel entitled to scare and dominate their partners. This move takes some of the pressure off the victim and shifts the responsibility back onto the abuser for his or her behavior.
  • Insist on using names and redirect from name calling. Abusers dehumanize their victims with slurs and nicknames like “Baby Momma,” “My Lady,” “That B*@#h!” and so on.
  • To the victim - “Are you okay? I saw what was happening to you, and that wasn’t right. No one deserves to be treated that way. I can help. Can I call the police for you? Can I call a local hotline with people who are trained to help in situations like this?”


Phrases and actions to avoid using:
  • Take your business behind closed doors.
  • That’s not how we treat people in public.
  • Agreeing with the abuser that the victim probably did something wrong to deserve what is happening.
  • Avoid telling the victim what the victim “needs to do.” That victim is already in a situation of power and control where the decisions in a relationship are often made by the abuser. When we tell victims what they “need” to do, we are coming from good intentions but are merely creating a new power and control relationship to replace the old one. Instead, offer up lifelines, lot of lifelines.
We tend to think that domestic violence is a private matter. I have met many men in my life who have shared they witnessed an abusive situation, but didn't do anything because they felt like it wasn't their place to say anything. In some cases, it was a matter of "Bro Code" to leave it between the two in that couple to "work out their marriage (or dating) issues."


The facts are that roughly 75% of us in Texas will know someone who is a victim of domestic violence in our lifetimes. We may see direct signs of violence, or we may experience the side effects at work such as someone coming to work late or leaving early, or a workplace accident. (Side note: roughly 19% of participants in a Batterers Intervention and Prevention Program reported they either caused an accident or a near miss at work because they were pre-occupied with harassing their victims.)



Safety considerations afterward:


The first thing we must do in order to help someone who is a victim of abuse is try to see their perspective. It’s easy for us to make assumptions from our positions of safety. We aren’t the ones who have to go home to abusers, see them the next day, or fear the abuser will stalk or harass us. They do.


Download the free Personal Safety Plan Checklist brochure from Texas Council on Family Violence.


Where will the victim go afterwards? The abuser may have been the victim’s ride. The victim may also be living with the abuser, or runs the risk of seeing that abuser at home. Intervention is important, but it has to go beyond the moment. I’m not saying this becomes your burden until the end.


What help is available besides just police? There are a variety of services available such as battered women's shelters and agencies, victim advocates, county attorney, legal aid organizations who can provide free legal help, local, state and national hotlines, etc.


How far does that victim want to go with resolution? Ultimately, once you have established safety, make this about what the victim wants to do. That victim understands her or his situation better than we do. All we can do is be supportive, and be ready to help again when the time comes whether it is that same person or someone new.


See it through with accountability, especially if that abuser is a friend, family member, or fellow believer. Abusers do what they do because it is what they learned. The best way to ensure that future generations do not continue this behavior is by having more men held accountable for setting a positive example. This will take courageous action by most men to take a stand.


We can send the message that manhood is not about domination over other people. We can be positive example for men and boys that is worth following.
RESOURCES
Violence Against Women - It’s a Men’s Issue, TED Talk by Jackson Katz







Download Strength Revisited, a free eBook download based on my TEDxCorpusChristi Talk about how we define strength in manhood.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Episode 34 - Hair playing, AllProDad question for my wife, a Sorcerer’s Hat, and Who’s Pregnant?!

Photo credit: Brittany Soliz, NGM Photos, 2014

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Olivia’s question to me: You know at night, when we’re watching television without the kids, why do you not automatically start playing with my hair? You know that’s what I want.


Bonus Question #1: Could you (Jerry) please entertain us for 15 minutes talking about the game “Clue?”




My question to Olivia: Is there anything I devote a regular amount of time to that you see as a possible threat to our family or our marriage relationship?


This question was drawn from #9 in a post called “10 Questions to Ask Your Wife Every Year” by AllProDad.com. Thanks to Justin Bradley from Iron Sharpens Iron on Facebook for posting this list in the Facebook Group. (Correction: the Bible verse I meant to reference was Proverbs 27:17, not 17:11.)


Our question to you: What is the word embedded in my “tattoo” from Olivia? See the image below. Virtual high-five to those who find it!


Photo credit: Jerry Dugan. Yes, that's a hairy leg. Sorry.
You can't un-see that.
Will you give me some of your feedback about this blog and podcast by taking this reader survey (closes Nov. 1, 2014.) Say, yes, by taking the survey, click here. Say, no, by not clicking on the survey link. Thanks in advance.


SHOW NOTES
Strength Revisited, a free eBook download based on my TEDxCorpusChristi Talk about how we define strength in manhood.




Use Your Smartphone to Lose Weight available on Amazon.com.

Order tickets for The Nutcracker by Corpus Christi Ballet. Email Olivia for details.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Help Me Make This Blog & Podcast More Relevant for You


Open until November 1, 2014.

Create your free online surveys with SurveyMonkey , the world's leading questionnaire tool.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Episode 33 - Let’s Go to Legoland, and How to Play a Better Game of ‘Clue’

Take the Reader Survey to help me make this blog and Family Time Q&A more useful and entertaining for you.




Jacob’s question to me: What is something you like to do the least?

You’ll learn what it would take to get me to base jump or zip line when Jacob asks me what I like to do the least in life. Hey, we all have our limits!

My question to Jacob: What is something we do as a family that you definitely want to do with your family in the future?

Funny thing. The “something we do as a family” that Jacob identifies is actually something we haven’t done...yet. Looks like we will need to make a trip to Legoland in San Diego, California so Jacob can one day take his family to Legoland and tell them, “This is something I used to do with my family when I was a kid!” I’m cool with that.

Somehow, Jacob and I wind up digressing our conversation from Legoland to how he can improve in the game of “Clue.” Eh, that’s how it goes when we have no script and we go with what’s on our hearts.

Our question to you: What is something that you really don’t enjoy doing?

Will you give me some of your feedback about this blog and podcast by taking this reader survey (closes Nov. 1, 2014.) Say, yes, by taking the survey, click here. Say, no, by not clicking on the survey link. Thanks in advance.

SHOW NOTES
CORRECTION: Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows did come out a year before Breaking Dawn Part 1. I was wrong. My son was right.

Strength Revisited, a free eBook download based on my TEDxCorpusChristi Talk about how we define strength in manhood. Thanks to Emiliano Diaz DeLeon and Joel Boggess (from ReLaunchShow.com) for your feedback on this eBook, and sharing it with those you know.

What the heck is Legoland, and where is it?! Well, we’re talking about the theme park in San Diego, California, and not any of the Discovery Centers.


Here’s a list of some of the board, card, and dice games we play during Family Game Night:
  • Clue
  • Tenzi
  • Life 
     Golf (Wikipedia link)

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Speaking at a Middle School Bible Club

July 2003, Homecoming.
A really cool thing came out of Emma doing a bunch of shout-outs to her teachers in Episode 26 of Family Time Q&A. One of those teachers, Ms. Kirkpatrick, invited me to share my testimony with the school’s bible club.

Over 35 middle school students plus five adults gathered before school started each with a glazed doughnut in hand to listen to my story

I gave an account of my experiences in Operation Iraqi Freedom through the sharing of a Prezi, plus a couple of demonstrations, and ended with a tear-soaked conclusion about how Olivia prayed for a deal with God. If He brought me home alive, then she would do anything she could to bring me to church and have a relationship with Him. 

Side note: the tears were mostly my own.



Ms. Garza, the faculty sponsor of the club, arranged for a closing activity where students wrote the name of someone they know who doesn’t yet have a relationship with Christ. Their task now is to pray for that person by name throughout the school year as well as all the other names that were written.

The opportunity to speak to Emma’s Bible Club was another humbling experience of how God is using my story to inspire others to make a difference in the world.

I believe we each have a story to tell that inspires people to make a difference in their own lives and in the lives of others.

What is your life-changing story that would inspire others? Feel free to share in the comments below, or send me an email.

RELATED POSTS AND ARTICLES

Download Strength Revisited, a free eBook download based on my TEDxCorpusChristi Talk about how we define strength in manhood.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Dad, how long would you live in the zombie apocalypse, and why? The Walking Dead Season 5 Premiere Special Episode.



Recording day also happened to be the Season 5 Premiere for AMC’s “The Walking Dead.” Naturally, that made its way into the Family Time Q&A Podcast this week. While our kids do not watch the show like Olivia and I do, they seem to follow along by talking with us about that show.

Emma’s question to me: How do you think you’d be able to survive in the zombie apocalypse, and how would you survive?

What’s in my answer? Here’s a couple of clues, “zombie apocalypse contingency plan” and “ZAT Roster.” I think Emma was in a bit of disbelief by my response. Then again, it seems like she had a suggestion or two herself.

My question to Emma: We spent quite a bit of time this weekend binge watching the show “Once Upon a Time” on Netflix. What are some characteristics that you think we both share?

Our question to you: Would Ontario, Canada be a good city to hold out from the zombie apocalypse? Why, or why not? Answer in the comments below!

The Arm of Smileys! 


SHOW NOTES
Strength Revisited, a free eBook download based on my TEDxCorpusChristi Talk about how we define strength in manhood.



Buy The Walking Dead on DVD from Amazon (Affiliate link)

The Brick Bible is a great bathroom read for the guy who is new to understanding the Bible. (Affiliate link)
TheBrickBible.jpg 


Buy tickets for Corpus Christi Ballet’s Nutcracker or be a sponsor
You can buy tickets from us! Send me an email if you’re interested in either tickets for a show or to sponsor the program with your business, and I’ll pass it along to Olivia who has all the details and forms to get you squared away. Showtimes in December are as follows:

  • December 13, 2014, 7:30pm; Family Night (no orchestra) Price Map
  • December 14, 2014, 3:00pm; Family Night (no orchestra) Price Map
  • December 20, 2014, 7:30pm; with live Orchestra Price Map
  • December 21, 2014, 3:00pm; with live Orchestra Price Map

All shows are held at the American Bank Center, Selena Auditorium.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Episode 31 - How Has Leaving Out "Divorce as an Option" Impacted Our Marriage?

Click here to subscribe and receive a free copy of Strength Revisited.





It has been an exciting week for the Dugan Family! I started a new job, Fall baseball started for Jacob, the Nutcracker cast list was posted, and I spoke at a Bible Club for middle school students. We also share how we carve out alone time during the workweek to stay connected, and why divorce is not an option for us in our marriage.


Liv’s question to me: How did your first week at work go?


My question to Liv: Dr. Corey Allen from SimpleMarriage wrote a blog post called “Why You Should Never Say the ‘D-Word’ in Your Marriage” talking about treating divorce like it were a vulgar word. (Actually, that post was written by Sean.) How would you say that principle, of leaving divorce out as an option in our marriage, has impacted our own marriage?


Our question to you: Do you struggle to stay connected with your spouse or family on a daily basis? What do you wish you were able to do with your family that you aren’t able to do right now?


SHOW NOTES
Strength Revisited, a free eBook download based on my TEDxCorpusChristi Talk about how we define strength in manhood.


Buy tickets for Corpus Christi Ballet’s Nutcracker or be a sponsor
You can buy tickets from us! Send me an email if you’re interested in either tickets for a show or to sponsor the program with your business, and I’ll pass it along to Olivia who has all the details and forms to get you squared away. Showtimes in December are as follows:
  • December 13, 2014, 7:30pm; Family Night (no orchestra) Price Map
  • December 14, 2014, 3:00pm; Family Night (no orchestra) Price Map
  • December 20, 2014, 7:30pm; with live Orchestra Price Map
  • December 21, 2014, 3:00pm; with live Orchestra Price Map


All shows are held at the American Bank Center, Selena Auditorium.


Kahn Academy is a great resource for parents and students.











I gave a talk with a middle school Bible Club called “Finding Heaven While Unleashing Hell” that shared my testimony and Olivia’s impact of praying for me every day I was deployed. Let's start the conversation about your upcoming event, or presentation/workshop needs. Speaker Interest Form.


October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. #DVAM Support your local battered women’s shelter, and make a commitment to promote healthy relationships, especially healthy marriage and family relationships. National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you find an organization near you. www.thehotline.org 1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)